The Adventures of Kratos and Oedipus
by TehGiantGoblinNibbles
Summary: Kratos makes a new friend and makes his life miserable.


Kratos was walking through Greece feeling angsty and filled with red hot rage, which was pretty normal for him. He was walking along a road to Corinth. Why? He didn't need a reason, he was Kratos, bitch. He did what he felt like. But in this case he was doing it 'cause Aries felt like being a dick and making Kratos walk a lot.

"**I HAVE SAND IN MY SANDAL!**" Kratos yelled in bold, because that's how he spoke all the time. Kratos was about to slice his sandal in half for using him like some sort of pawn, when he saw a man walking close to the road. The man looked reasonably upset, both crying and shouting. Kratos decided to spare his sandal (he'd get back to killing it later) and approach the traveler.

"**WHY DO YOU CRY LIKE A WHINY BITCH?!**" Kratos inquired most politely. The traveler stopped short and looked over at Kratos. At first he seemed shocked and horrified to see Kratos, but then Kratos performed one of his crowd winning scowls. The traveler relaxed a little.

"I wasn't expecting anyone else to be out here," the traveler said. "But I'm glad someone else is out here. How do you do?"

"**I DO WOMEN!**" Kratos replied. "**I AM KRATOS, MASTER SERVANT OF THE GOD OF WAR! BUT I HATE THE GODS!**"

"You hate the gods, too?" the traveler asked.

"**I HATE A LOT OF THINGS, BUT THE GODS MOST OF ALL!**"

"Well you are well met, for I too hate the gods. My name is Oedipus, and because of the gods I can no longer live my happy life."

"**WHY DOES YOUR LIFE SUCK?**"

"Well you see, I used to be a prince. And I just learned from the Oracle that I am fated to kill my father, and then sleep with my own mother. So that is why I am running away, to escape my parents and my fate."

"**YOU SURE ABOUT THAT? THE GODS TEND TO GET PISSED WHEN YOU DO THINGS LIKE THAT!**"

"Well it's not like this is gonna bite me in the ass or anything."

(You know that feeling you're having right now? In college we call that "dramatic irony." Isn't it awesome?)

"Say," Oedipus went on, "why don't you come with me? I could use some companionship."

"**OKAY, BUT NO GAY STUFF!**"

Oedipus and Kratos walked along the road until they came across a fork in the road. There was a sign in the middle. One side of the sign pointed to Delphi, the other pointed to Thebes. "Which route would you prefer, my friend?" Oedipus inquired.

"**I DUNNO, BUT THERE'S SOME ASS COMING BY ON THE THEBES ROAD**."

He was right, for a chariot guarded by several foot guards was racing down the road. A foot soldier ran ahead of the chariot and greeted Oedipus and Kratos. "You guys have to move," the foot soldier said plainly because you can't really do anything funny with a simple foot soldier. Unless I made him Bill Murray... Okay, pretend the foot soldier is Bill Murray.

"Oh of course," Oedipus replied to the foot soldier who was totally Bill Murray. Oedipus began to move to the side, but Kratos stopped him.

"**WHY SHOULD WE?!**" Kratos yelled.

"Because I'm Bill Murray," the obvious Bill Murray soldier replied.

"**AND I AM KRATOS, THE BITCH MASTER!**" Kratos then grabbed the Bill Murray soldier and ripped his head off.

"I hate Mondays..." the soldier whispered with his dying breath. Kratos then drew both of his blades, then rushed ahead to slaughter the rest of the men like a realistic guidance counselor slaughters children's dreams. Oedipus sat back and watched in horror. Finally Kratos threw the man who was riding the chariot at Oedipus' feet. He was surprisingly still alive, and he looked like royalty.

"**KILL THIS MAN, IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER!**" Kratos told Oedipus.

"Are you sure?"

"**DUDE, NOTHING FEELS BETTER THAN MAKING A MAN'S HEAD GO PHYSICALLY UP HIS OWN ASS! DO IT!**"

Reluctantly, Oedipus picked up his sword and cut the man's head off. "You know...that did make me feel a little better."

"**NOW QUIT BITCHING AND LET'S MOVE!**"

The continued down the road until they finally arrived at Thebes. At once they noticed something was wrong, for a giant monster was standing in front of the gates. It had the head of a woman, the body of a lion, and the wings of an eagle. It immediately stood up and walked over to Oedipus and Kratos as they approached.

"I am the great Sphinx!" the monster roared. "If you wish to live, you must solve my riddle. What has four legs in the morning, two in the afternoon, and three at night?"

"Hmm," Oedipus wondered. "A puzzling riddle, but I am resolved to solve it! Let's see...could it be-"

"**RIDDLES ARE FOR PUSSIES!**" Kratos yelled. He then jumped up and ripping her apart like a fat kid rips his pants when he does squats in his really tight gym shorts. The Sphinx cried out in agony as Kratos turned her into a donut. Oedipus was once again shocked.

"...man." Oedipus finished. The two then walked into Thebes, where they were greeted as heroes.

"You who have defeated the Sphinx are our saviors!" one of the high priests rejoiced. And just to make it funny the high priest is Steve Martin. "And you are well met, for we have recently lost our king, and we would like one of you to become our new king and bang the queen."

"You should go ahead, Kratos," Oedipus politely offered. "After all, you did shove the Sphinx's head...just go ahead."

"**NAH,**" Kratos replied. "**ARIES WOULD BE PISSED. PLUS THE QUEEN LOOKS A LITTLE TOO OLD FOR ME. YOU GO AHEAD AND TAKE OVER THIS PLACE.**"

"Oh, thank you, Kratos!" Oedipus hugged Kratos. Kratos didn't like hugs, and thought the scene was getting a little too gay. So he and Oedipus then parted ways.

A few years later, Kratos returned to Thebes and went into the palace to see his old friend.

"**SUP, BITCH!**" Kratos announced, **"MAN, HAS THIS PLACE GONE TO CRAP!**"

Oedipus was sitting in his throne, weeping. He looked up to Kratos, and he managed a smile for his old friend. "Ah, Kratos! You come at a terrible time at my life. I have been dealt many sorrows."

"**MAYBE YOU SHOULD KILL SOME GODS?**" Kratos recommended. "**THAT'S WHAT I DO WHEN I'M SAD!**"

"No, that won't help. For you see, it turns out that man you had me kill all those years ago was my REAL father. And the queen was my mother, who has borne my children." Oedipus began to sob.

"**THAT'S F'D UP, BRO. AT LEAST YOU HAVE A MOM TO HAVE SEX WITH. MINE TURNED INTO A GIANT MONSTER AND I HAD TO BUTCHER** **HER**."

****"...as always your troubles seem to outweigh mine. But please, just leave me to cry."

**"CRYING IS FOR BITCHES!" **Kratos yelled so loud that even the quotes were in bold. He then picked up Oedipus and gouged his eyes out.

"OH MY GODS!" Oedipus shrieked.

"**NOW GET OUT OF HERE, BITCH! FROM THIS DAY FORTH, YOU ARE OEDIPUS, THE MOTHER FUCKER!**"

And that's where the term comes from.

Kratos then murdered everyone and had sex with some chicks.

_**The End**_

_****_Oh, and then Kratos sliced that sandal in half because it had sand in it. Told ya he'd get back to it.


End file.
